BREATHE N BOUNCE

 One of the worst truths I have had to learn how to accept over the last year or so in some intense therapy is that I am not like other people.  There are things wrong with my programing and it all started when I was young.  Maybe I was set up to fail, or just full of bad decisions.  I hurt people.  I have hurt myself and I need to know why and the paths to those answers start here.
 
HIGHLIGHTS FROM THIS EPISODE
Now people that meet me say, "Oh, Mike, you're not that fucked. No, I am fucked up. Let me tell you, I am fucked up, and I am fucked up because I've experienced a lot of bullshit in my life, and my brain has processed that shit to be 10 times heavier than it actually was, and that comes with the territory of having you know behavioral disorders and mental disorders and having sickness and all that other shit. It all comes with the territory. It's all about the same thing. It is. It's all that, and you know, it's like a light bulb went off for me, right? Hence, this first song, see the light, because I saw the light, and the light unfortunately blinded me. It blinded me so bad it hurt. It made me really take a hard look at who I am and what I do. And there are so many different ways I can go with this. However, one of the themes that I've always had a problem with, and I've been very up upfront and open about this on the show, is I've talked about the loss of identity, the really knowing of who I am, and it's a struggle that I've had for the last five or 10 years. Is trying to really figure out who I am because I really believe before I got my BPD diagnosis, I felt like I was living in a dream world. I was living in a matrix. I really didn't have all the tools. Now, the happiest time of my life before that was when I was creating shit. When I was going to Columbia College. When I was creating production. I was doing stuff on the radio, and that was a very happy time in my life. The other happiest time of my life was being a father for my children when my children were getting big, because I really wanted to be with them. And I had two people in my life who really didn't know the real me, and they loved me for me until they got to know the real me.
 
We have to sit down. We have to get to know ourselves, and we have to just embrace who we are-past, present, and future. We gotta love it all, just like you would in any relationship. You love the good parts and you love the bad parts. I have to learn how to love the good parts and bad parts for myself, and that is going to be a motherfucker to deal with.
 
That's another story of my life is that I would realize that I fucked up when it was too late because I already fucked up. I wouldn't stop myself from fucking up. I wouldn't do any of that shit. So I let a lot of people down. I hurt a lot of people, and unfortunately, this is all the shit I've been carrying with me my whole life-the guilt. 50 years, I've been carrying guilt about how I treated people, and I think about how I was treated and how angry I've been about that. And it's like some days you, sometime you have to put the bag down. Sometimes you have to understand that you just want equipped to learn how to deal with this shit. You just have to give yourself that grace, and you have to just own it, and just try to accept it and move on. I became that son of a bitch, and you know what that guy did to me? Abandoned me more times than I could count. Gave up on me more times I can count. Pretty much told me that I didn't have it to make it in this life more times than I could count. He was so proud of my brother. He was so proud that my brother could do anything and I couldn't do shit. He just he made me feel like a fucking loser, and then he would come back in my life. I'd be all excited. I'd be like, "Yay, my dad likes me, and they would leave again. Then he disappeared for like three years, and he just called me randomly out of the blue. And he stopped talking to me again.

 I talk about my mental disorders in some detail and how I have been able to see the positive things that came from them in order to get to the "next level" of life.  We can change perspectives of what is happening, despite we can't change what is happening.  I guess it goes back to that Tony Robbins shit when he say "life isn't happening to you, its happening for you." But I will take the for you part because at the end of the day, shit just happens.  Also a nice little PSA for mental health professionals that don't want to take on BPD clients.
HIGHLIGHTS FROM SHOW
I hope you are feeling great. I know that I have my vanilla cortados sitting right next to me, and I just feel amazing. It takes Starbucks, a corporation, to make me feel amazing. Oh my God, I am just feeling it today. I am feeling the love, the love of the caffeine and the espresso and the slave labor going through my veins. Yes, yes, I am.
 I talk about my mental disorders in some detail and how I have been able to see the positive things that came from them in order to get to the "next level" of life.  We can change perspectives of what is happening, despite we can't change what is happening.  I guess it goes back to that Tony Robbins shit when he say "life isn't happening to you, its happening for you." But I will take the for you part because at the end of the day, shit just happens.  Also a nice little PSA for mental health professionals that don't want to take on BPD clients.
 
So we have to find ourselves in the fury of the storm, and learn how we're going to withstand it. Learn how we're going to be able to look at the eye of the tiger with the fear that the tiger can rip us apart, but knowing that the tiger really can't and the tiger won't. Being in that storm, it's not always about running for shelter. It's about looking the storm in the eye and trying to get through it because maybe there is no shelter. Maybe shelter is not readily available at the moment. You're fighting through the storm, there's wind, there's rain, there's thunder, there's lightning. It's fucking scary. You just saw a tree 200 feet away from you get struck by lightning, and now the motherfucker's on fire. And you're standing there like, "What the fuck am I gonna do? So you have two choices in life. Your first choice is you can stand there and probably get consumed and die, or your second is you try to find safety, and yes, finding safety may not be easy all the time. Finding safety is a challenge within itself, but you can find it if you are looking for it.
 
 
 
 
 

 So this week I had a plan and I changed the plan and I had absolutely nothing.  So I decided just to fuck around and be silly.  In fact this is a silly picture I took of me to make my kids laugh.  Hope you do too.
 
HIGHLIGHTS
And I had an idea. I had a plan. I had a plan, you know, with what I wanted to do, and then I decided to to abandon the plan because I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and that's the thing that's beautiful about living in America. Besides the fact you get to pay like a house mortgage for for groceries and car payment for gas, you can make changes and you can change your mind, and no one can say shit, but you know the funny thing is when you do change your mind and you do say shit, then people like aw dump on you and tell you that you're wrong and shit. So I am just going to be me today, and I am just going to let shit fly, and whatever happens happens
 
my favorite show of all time is a show that was on USA Network. It was about eight years ago when they finished it. It was called mr. Robot, and mr. Robot starred Rami. Oh my God! What is his fucking last name? This is what happens when you get old. I used to like just be able to, I used to be able to just rattle out people's names. So Christian Slater was in it. I can tell you that much. My God, what is this fucking guy's name? Holy shit! Rami Malek. Why the hell can I remember that?
 

I really take a hard look at myself to see why I have had people abandon me.  What is my role in all of this? What have I been doing?  When do I let my emotions take over?  I struggled to find peace because I have always been super angry and just don't know how to crack the nut.  So today's episode is trying to break things down and move on a better path.  
 
Highlights from this episode
 
And I think a lot of times when we're analyzing why we're not feeling good about something, first thing we do is we look at the environment, we look at other people, and we look for excuses. Those are the three things I think we look for, and I'm going to tell you the truth. I have been doing that. Oh yes, I have. I have been blaming my bad feelings on other people. I have been just feeling down for the last month. I've been in a depressive episode, and I think I understand why, and I think the one thing that I've learned that I forgot about is everything is my fault. The reason why I have been in this bad place is because I have allowed it to be. So, one of the things that I'm going to have to do today is I'm going to have to be really honest with you about me, and about all my shortcomings, about my faults, about my character defects, about you know some of the things that I have done in my life, and some of the things that have brought me to where I'm at right now, and that's going to be a very difficult process.
People really get scared to talk to me because of the way I react to things. I don't always react good. I sometimes can be sarcastic. I will name call. I'll be angry. I will yell, and those are nuts that I haven't been able to crack pretty much my whole life. So I think what we have to do, obviously, is if we're going to start to do better, we have to really start to take a big look at who we are. We have to stare into the eyes of our reflection in the mirror, and we really have to look. We have to think. We have to be willing to accept the things that we have done, and we have to really accept who we truly are. And once we do that, once we immerse ourselves with that, then the work can happen.
There's been so many times in my life, where I've stood by and I've I have done nothing, and I'm at a point right now in my life where I don't believe in standing by and doing nothing anymore. I feel like if someone does something to hurt someone that I love, I I gotta say something now. Um. I, I think I really look for people's approval a lot because I think for so long I felt that I was a piece of shit, and the funny thing is, some people will give me approval. Some people will give me praise, and I won't believe it because of me

Now lets get back on track here.  I talk about how I am going to rebuild myself from the setback last week and move forward.  I talk about the quest to find what worked for me before and getting back there, and making sure nothing or nobody stops me,
 
HIGHLIGHTS
Last week was a terrible episode, and I mean, some people are gonna say it was so vulnerable. You you were so vulnerable. No, it was fucking Disgusting. It was disgusting because I sat here and I wanted you all to feel sorry for me, because I was feeling sorry for myself, and I don't know. Maybe I didn't want you guys to feel sorry for me, but the truth of the matter is, I was like a, I, I don't know why I'm gonna say this, but I'm just gonna say probably because I'm full of caffeine and piss and vinegar right now. I was like a little fucking whiny bitch last week. I was, no, no, no doubts, no questions, no nothing. I just was sitting there worrying about a bunch of shit that I put in my mind. I was worrying about a bunch of shit that just kind of, just kind of popped into my head, right? And I think, I think I've been carrying a lot of depression because I think I realized a few things about my life, and one of the things that I think I learned about my life is I have given up any kind of forward motion that I was in the process of doing. I think I lost myself. I think I lost a lot of what I was doing, and I think that I was feeling sorry, maybe some sorrow, because maybe a little part of me was dying. And I think the thing about mental health that we always forget is that it is a process.
 
Well, I felt, and I think that's what I've been feeling like. Is I feel like I've been getting taken advantage of by quite a few people, and some of those people are people that are close to me. So that's hard. That's that's a hard thing to deal with. No one wants to be played for by a fool. No one ever wants to do that, you know. No one ever wants to be in that spot where they feel like they're a fool for someone's loving. No one wants to ever feel stupid And I think, at the end of the day, we have to understand that everyone in life plays the fool, whether we like it or not, and we just have to understand that's just the way it is. Sometimes you can choose not to, or you can play along, but it's going to happen in your life, and you just have to deal with it.
 
I want people to see me because of who I am. I want them to feel me because of the energy I bring, and I want them to recognize me. I want them to recognize me because I want them to know that if they see me, they are getting someone who is for fucking real. That isn't phony. That isn't a fake. That isn't here just to fucking do things for a reaction. Granted, that has been my mo for most of my life, but right now, I just, I just got shit to say, man, and I've got a story to tell, and I've got bad parts of that story where I did heinous, fucking unbelievable shit to people, and I have good parts of that story where I really pulled people out of the dark. I found ways to help people, and that's the thing that's beautiful, is your story always finds a chance to restart. But sometimes in life, when you know that people are just not who they are, and they're not going to appreciate you, and there ain't freaking jack shit you can do about it,
 

I probably shouldn't have went forward with this but this is exact what my depression sounds like, and how difficult it is for me to continue on with everything.  I think its important to demonstrate since people out there think its not real and its an act.  Frankly,  I don't even know if I am going to continue doing this anymore.  No one listens.  No one gives a shit.  Why should I?  I guess stay tuned.
 
NO HIGHLIGHTS

 I talk about how I screwed so much stuff up that year and it was the beginning of a slippery slope of doom with people who knew me, loved me, and the vomit of lots of anger, sadness, and guilt I was carrying for so long.  I think we all have years like this when we were at our worst.  How can we recover?  Did I make everything better? Was I able to grow and learn from it? Can you? Can anyone?  Time heals, but we must help move that process along.
 
HIGHLIGHTS
you think about all the things people said to you when you were at your weakest, and it hurts because then you start feeling that way about yourself, and then you start to act in a way that you probably shouldn't. And I could tell you that definitely was the case for me. I started acting up because I started keeping score of all the shit that was said to me by family members and things that happened in my life. And that is never a healthy thing to do. Is keep a score sheet. You want to play golf and keep a score sheet? That's fine. You want to play bowling? Good. The game of life never good to keep a score sheet. Never. There's so many reasons for that. But in the reason that we're talking about today, we're just talking about how all the things that she may have said to you might have led to downfalls. We have to also understand that sometimes our partners are angry, sometimes our family, our kids are angry, sometimes our parents are angry, and people don't mean what they say. And I'm not giving anyone a license to just say or do whatever they want, react however they want. But I'm saying it's just something that we all have to think about it as people is that sometimes all the things they say make us a little bit nutty, and we just have to kind of remember it's not always meant, but it's said, and we have to deal with it. All the things they say can drive a person mad. You listen to how much. If you listen to enough noise in the world, then you start to lose yourself in the process. You start to just feel kind of icky.
 
I still do a lot of things that I don't like to do, and you know, I'm 50 now, and I've been living many years in these survival patterns where I don't know how to treat myself well, and then there's there's that thing sometimes where you do treat yourself well, and then people start accusing you of being selfish, and that shit's really hard to deal with as well. But sometimes what we have to learn how to do in our life is sacrifice. We have to learn how to sacrifice things that we want for things that we want, or things that we think might serve us, but they really don't
 
we make bad choices. Sometimes we don't go the right way. So we have to start asking ourselves, what do we do to stop? And for me, I wanted to stop so many times. I didn't want to be angry. I didn't want to go off. I didn't want to get mad. I didn't want to yell. I didn't want to scream. I didn't want to do any of this shit. But I ended up doing it, and then I had to suffer the consequences of my actions, and the consequences for my actions were just really deep. I was in mental hospitals for three times that summer in 2016. I went three to three different hospitals, I was in four different programs. I saw at least four different therapists. I had so many medication changes, and quite frankly, I think the medication was really the what was really the linchpin. See, I did the fear factory thing there. The linchpin of everything that happened because I did not think I was uninhibited, and I was taking so many medications. I had I had a nurse practitioner that thought they were giving me tic tacs and skittles when they really were giving me medication, but I I made it through. But I still carried so many years of guilt with me, so much. On top of all the guilt before that, before when I was younger, I really fucked up and I really was angry and I fucking did a lot of bad shit, and I fucked up. And I mean, we get in these patterns where we start feeling shame, when we start feeling bad about ourselves, when we start wondering what is our what what is our mean? Are we are we good enough? Are we okay
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What are we OK with?  What works for us?  What if we can't find it? Is there a way to just be fine with that? I ask these questions today and talk about how I feel about it all and where it has brought me now.  Also big announcements for Breathe and Bounce as well.
 
HIGHLIGHTS
You are not the same way every day. But on that regard, you have to find the things that make you happy. You have to find the things that make you want to do, you know, all the good stuff. You have to find those things. That's part of the journey, right? You know, we hear about the journey. Everyone talks about that journey. Well, it is a fucking journey. Unfortunately, it's like a fucking marathon, you know. That's something my mentor said to me, and then Ice Cube said it in a much more vulgar way. Life's not a track meet; it's a marathon. Those words were said to me by my mentor, verbatim, and then about five years later, I heard Ice Cube quote them in a song. And it's true.
 
And sometimes the ego wants us to be right, but does it matter if we're right? At the end, what does that do for the Santosha? What does that do for the contentment? It does nothing. It pulls you away from it, actually. So contentment is not something that just happens. It's something you have to work at, especially if you have been living life for like 40, 5060, years a different way to have to reset the clock and start over from scratch. That's a lot of work, and the end result will be beautiful. Because I'm telling you this. Every day in my life, I start to feel a little bit more okay, and I don't want to fight, and I don't want to be an asshole because I've historically been an asshole to people, I have because of my ego, because of my fragile skin, because of my needing to be right. I don't need to be right anymore. If I know I'm right, that's okay. If someone else wants to believe I'm wrong, then fuck it
 
So we come to this point where we think we know everything, right? Because we're so smart, we're so fucking capable, and all that other shit. But the truth of the matter is, maybe we don't know as much as we did. Now you know. Maybe we needed have a little help. I think one thing that traps us-one of those little bear traps we walk into. Is the opinion of others, the opinion of what people think of us, that validates ourselves, and I think we search for that.

 We have things happen to us and we can't explain them.  We tried to do everything right and stay on the path.  Yet, sometimes things don't work out and we lose our way.  We then go back to the drawing board and try to figure out how to keep things in our life that may not belong anymore or don't serve us.  What will happen if we do just that? How scary is it to just trust the universe and move forward in a completely opposite direction?
 
HIGHLIGHTS FROM SHOW
 here's the thing about this show: is I play lots of crazy music. I play music from every genre. I come up with shit that you probably have never even heard of, and that's what's so fun about this show. Just like in life, shit happens to you that you never thought would happen. Shit thought that things happen to you that you never thought you would have heard of. I can tell you right now that many of us that are teenagers probably have no idea what the trajectory of our life is going to be in 20 years. Because I will tell you what happened to me in 20 years. I owned a fucking business. Now that business is crippling me, and it's crippling me in more ways than I can talk about today on the show. But it's great to have your own business, and it's great not to work for the man. However, sometimes you have to say to yourself, "Is it time? Is it time to go in another direction? 
 
You feel like everything's good. But during that period of time, it feels kind of icky, right? You feel stressed. You feel heavy. You feel like the walls are coming down on you. You feel panicked. You feel like you can't breathe, and all you're trying to do is get something done, trying to make a living. But then sometimes you have to ask yourself: Maybe this is not for me. Maybe I need to change something. Maybe I need to find a way to get rid of this pressure and put the energy to something else. Maybe that's what it is. The thing is, answers don't just pop up in front of our face and give us an easy path. No. Sometimes we have to sacrifice. Sometimes we have to walk differently. Sometimes we have to think differently. Sometimes we have to let shit go. Because the only way you can see is by dropping the glasses. You know, 
 
 

No I am not talking about Miami.  I am talking about the place you go to find a way to get something that you are missing inside.  Filling the hole as my wife has said many times.  I have tried to fill the hole many ways.  Right now, it's gambling.  Although not serious, I have to look at my family history and my nature to understand why I must take action now to minimize damage, or suffer consequences later.  I am hoping people can learn from my story here and that's the talk of the day today.
 
HIGHLIGHTS
I think I have a gambling problem. Yeah, yeah, I think I do. I remember I went to Vegas a few months ago with my wonderful, beautiful hot wife, and I won $2,000. Since then, I've been playing slot machines here and there, at least once a week, and that might seem kind of not excessive to some people, but for me, it's pretty excessive. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I'm gonna tell you why. I have an issue with gambling. I have an issue with gambling because I have a very addictive personality. I get addicted to things quick. I get addicted to junk food. I get addicted to substances, maybe drugs. I haven't done drugs in a long time. Don't worry, it's been been a long time, like 20 years. Um, get addicted to video games
 
Why too much is not always good. The excess. You know, when you do too much of something, it gets boring sometimes, right? It is. Repetition doesn't always. It doesn't always make everything. It doesn't make everything better all the time. It sometimes makes things harder. When you eat a lot of food, what happens? You feel sick, right? You feel like sometimes disgusting, and I think a lot of times when you're in it and you're filling that hole, right, that we talked about, you're like you're not really seeing it because it's it's hard to stop yourself when you're in pain. When you're in pain, you want anything to take away that pain, and you don't care what it is. You'll take medicine. I mean, look at sports stars. Look at wrestlers. Some of them are in so much pain. They take these hardcore painkillers, and they end up becoming dependent on them because they use them so often. Maybe you're not built to be the saffling, and it's like because there's so much money in the line, there's so much. We sometimes build ourselves up into certain places that we don't have an escape hatch. We just have to keep moving forward with what we have because if we don't, we're going to lose our spot. We're going to lose all the things that we accumulated in our life, and it's funny because that is something Tyler Durden says in Fight Club is that there comes a time in life that the things you own start to own you.
 
It makes it easier to give yourself a rule book. So all you got to do is just keep working on that, and eventually you're going to find it. And one thing that I know is that one day at a time shit. That one day at a time shit is fucking helpful. If you can tell yourself just for today, I won't do this. That helps, because instead of saying every day for the rest of your life, you're only taking a 24-hour day, and think about it-you sleep about five to eight hours during that day anyway. So now you've knocked it down to, you know, roughly 15 to 20 hours